


Can I be her? (ON BREAK)

by maxineemalanaphy



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, Falling In Love, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LESBIAN RIGHTS, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25087741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxineemalanaphy/pseuds/maxineemalanaphy
Summary: "You walked into the room and now my heart has been stolenYou took me back in time to when I was unbrokenNow you're all I wantAnd I knew it from the very first moment'Cause a light came on when I heard that song and I want you to sing it again"
Relationships: Crystal Methyd/Jan Sport, Dahlia Sin/Nicky Doll, Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd, Nicky Doll/Gigi Goode
Comments: 21
Kudos: 42





	1. First Day

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are with a new story. It's something I've been planning to do for a long time and it's very close to my heart.  
> I will tell you the story of my five years of High School, the best years of my life, through my favorite girls: Gigi, Crystal and all the other s12 girls.❤️  
> It will be a long trip down memory lane, I hope you like it, love u all xx

What a weird place high school is. It's a place you love and hate at the same time. 

You hate it because of the tests, because of the homeworks, because of the teachers who are too strict, because of some classmates you can't stand... And yet you love it because in that school you call "Hell", you met so many beautiful people who helped you to grow up and with whom you shared so many first times. Your first afternoon all together, the first birthday party to attend, the first loves, the first fights, the first kisses. 

And high school years fly by fast and the closer you get to the end, the more you realize that when the adults in your family said "Now you hate it, but then you'll miss high school!", they were right. 

You realize that when it's over, you'll have no certainty, no fixed point, nothing. You'll find yourself in a classroom with a teacher who won't even look you in the face. And you'll miss the English teacher yelling at you early in the morning to keep you awake during her Shakespeare lecture. 

You'll be catapulted into a classroom with too many strangers who seem to hate you without even knowing you. And you'll miss that companion on the other side of the class who asked you to shut your mouth and not comment on her irritating movements. 

You'll be in a new world where you only have to rely on yourself and your strength. And you will miss asking your classmate for the note on one of the philosophers you studied because you didn't feel like opening the book the day before.

How many times have you hoped that high school would end soon.

You hoped for it before a day full of tests and homework. You hoped for it when you got into a fight with that insensitive math teacher. You hoped for it when someone said something stupid and all the classmates started arguing. You hoped for it when you fell in love with one of your friends in class with you. You hoped for it when your friends got into a fight and broke up your little group. You hoped for it when all your problems were solved and worse ones were created. And so on.

You thought you wanted to get out of that place as soon as possible for so many reasons and for so many times that now you feel like you've wasted your time, now you just want to rewind everything and live again. Because you felt alive. You felt full of life.

You look back and wonder if it's really been five years. 

Five years. A long time. No, very little. 

You look back and you see that little girl, so small and lonely and withdrawn.

You look forward in the mirror and you see a confident, smiling, strong woman. 

Amazing, isn't it? Between those two completely different people, at some point there was one who was both. 

You've grown as big as you've always dreamed and yet you feel like a little girl who's not ready to leave that place that made her feel safe. 

Even if you're not ready, say thank you. Say thank you to all your friends, for better or for worse. Say a “Thank you” to them that comes from the deepest part of you. And also say that you love them to death.

You're not ready to leave the moments you lived in that school. You're not ready to turn them into distant memories. 

But smile, because you've just lived the best years of your life and you can always keep them in your heart, where you are always a child and things never get old.

It was the distant September of 2015 when Gigi Goode started high school at only 14 years old.

The day before, on the last day of summer, she had had dinner with her family. Her sister and cousin had told her how high school had been a nightmare for them, how difficult it was and all the times they had cried on their books at midnight. Her aunts had tried to disprove the two girls, but to no avail. 

Gigi had made jokes all the time, trying not to let out even an ounce of her real emotions. She was frightened by that new world waiting for her and even more so by the idea that she might relive the last three years of her life. She had just freed herself from three years of middle school, where she was bullied by her classmates and even by her teachers. Yeah, who was supposed to protect her was on the side of the bad guys. 

The insults had increased during those years and she kept hearing that she was worth nothing, that she could never do anything, that Gigi was just a good-for-nothing. And she tried harder and harder and harder to live up to the others, but it was never enough. 

So she started to believe them. She started to shut herself off, to isolate herself from her family. Every day she cried before school and often pretended to be sick to stay home, locked in her room. Gigi hated herself on extreme levels, she didn't love herself and she would never have wanted to because she had been plagiarized by that hatred. 

She was afraid of high school because of it. She didn't want everything to repeat itself, because she knew she wouldn't survive even one day.

She cried that night too. She thought she'd run away, hide and never face life again. But the next morning arrived and Gigi wasn't brave enough.

She had enrolled in a language high school, had chosen to do Italian, Spanish and German. That world had always fascinated her and she found the feeling of speaking without letting others understand what she was saying interesting. 

She didn't know anyone in the class she was going to, except a girl she had spoken to once. Gigi remembered her particular name: Aiden. She had met her on her way to school and who knows, Gigi would have the closest thing to a friend for the first time in her life. 

Aiden had already offered to sit next to her. She couldn't wait and kept talking and talking. Gigi would only answer when the other one would let her and smile when Aiden thought she was funny.

When the girls arrived, the building looked giant to her. An endless avenue full of murals, a large courtyard, a running track and a truly imposing façade. It seemed endless. 

Gigi took a deep breath: she could do it. 

They entered their class after a brief speech by the principal in the auditorium, with a professor who had just introduced himself to everyone. He was a physical education professor who, according to Gigi and Aiden, thought he was really nice.

The class was just girls and Gigi thought that they often knew how to be even meaner than boys. But the more time started to pass, the more everyone in that class wanted to get to know each other and seemed quite calm. 

Gigi's anxiety gradually lowered as she made friends with Aiden. Aside from being logorroic, she was a good girl and to her surprise, she loved her company. 

Her first day passed quickly and although Gigi had only talked to two people other than Aiden, she felt less scared. 

That was the first afternoon when her negative thoughts and anxiety did not take over. 

The days began to pass and in order to get to know each other better and make friends, the girls thought they would draw a draw every month to change their partner. They wanted all of them to have a chance to get along well in that environment and connect with those they wanted. 

It was a new world for Gigi. No one had ever tried to make a classroom a safe and healthy environment, much less her former classmates. She felt in herself that she could spend those years without worrying much. 

She didn't hope to make many friends, Gigi thought she was more than boring and honestly didn't even think it could be easy to love her. 

That day, Gigi was talking to Aiden, sitting next to her. 

\- Do you want to go out this afternoon? It's such a nice day - Aiden asked her smiling. Usually Gigi knew the girl was going out with her friends, it made her feel weird to think she wanted to spend time with her. 

\- Sure, I'd like to... If it's not a problem for you, of course - Gigi answered her nodding. It had been a long time since she'd taken a walk with anyone other than her mother. 

Aiden told her that she liked her and that she'd like to be friends outside of school as well. They continued to chat and make a little program for that afternoon, then the recreation bell rang and the other one got up to join a friend in the class next door, leaving Gigi alone.

\- Is this your diary? - an entry caught the attention of Gigi, who was reading something in her history notebook. She raised her head and smiled, in front of her was Jan, the blonde girl sitting in the row next to her.

\- Yes, it's mine - she answered her and then Jan asked her if she could take it to see it better. On the cover there was a drawing made by her, a very detailed mandala. The blonde girl stopped to inspect it in amazement.

\- It's really beautiful! You must be really good at drawing... I'm incapable - she shrugged her shoulders with a smile on her lips. Then Jan looked around.

\- Thank you - Gigi didn't know how to take a compliment, but she tried to be as friendly as possible. 

\- Come out with me, come on! - Jan pulled her up by her hands and together they walked down the hallway full of kids. 

Recreation was always so chaotic and between the machines and the bar there were so many people walking around. Gigi walked next to Jan feeling a little uncomfortable. Being among all those people was not really ideal for her, but luckily her classmate was able to distract her. She asked her a thousand questions and Gigi, after answering them, asked them to her. Without realizing it, they talked for a long time, until the bell marked the end of the break. 

As they returned to class, another companion jumped on Jan's shoulders to annoy her. Gigi remembered her name was Nicky. Just behind them was also Widow, who used to be with the two of them. 

Jan told Gigi that she and her friends already knew each other before high school and that they had decided to attend the language school together. Nicky and Widow introduced themselves to her, it was the first time they talked to each other and they already got along well together. 

Gigi couldn't stop keeping an eye on Nicky, who who knows why attracted her attention. She was a beautiful girl, no doubt.

Once in class, they packed up their stuff to go to the auditorium. They were going to attend a school assembly for the first time. Gigi was invited by her new friends to come down with them, but she refused, saying she'd wait for Aiden. 

Finally, sitting in the auditorium, Gigi and Aiden wondered what they were going to talk about. Their professors had explained that these pep assemblies were usually important and serious.

\- Hey, can we sit here? - one hand tapped on Gigi's shoulder. Next to her were three empty seats and she nodded smiling. Her three classmates Dahlia, Jaida and Crystal, sat down and started talking to each other again. 

Exactly to her left was sitting Crystal, a girl with curly hair and a bright smile. During class she had often heard her laugh out loud, attracting the attention of the professors at the desk. Gigi adored her, but was too shy to talk to her, Crystal seemed too "popular" for her. Jaida and Dahlia laughed with her, also too much out of reach for someone like Gigi. 

Things changed when during the assembly people started talking about racism and the exploitation of black people in society. Gigi watched the videos and listened to people talking about the sensitive subject, as did Crystal. They were two of the few people who were really careful, who didn't sit on their cell phones bored. 

At the end of the assembly Crystal was crying, she was impressed by those terrible conditions, and Gigi realized that she was a very empathetic and sensitive person. 

\- Do you need a handkerchief? - Gigi asked her, seeing the other one almost drowning in tears and completely ignored by her friends next to her. 

\- Oh God, sorry I'm crying a lot - Crystal turned to Gigi, wiping her tears with her hands.

\- Don't worry, there's nothing wrong with it - the girl still handed the other one a handkerchief, while looking at her almost worried. 

Crystal smiled at her and thanked her. In Gigi's eyes she must have seen something hiding under that calm and shy air, because driven by that instinct, Crystal embraced her. 

They had had the opportunity to have a word with each other before that day, but at that moment something snapped in them. 

The girls and their friends came out of school together and Jan, Widow, Nicky and even Jackie joined the gang. 

On the little journey they made together to go home, they had the chance to become a real bunch and Gigi thought she was finally lucky. For that half hour her problems with herself, her feeling out of place and her fear of being too weird, disappeared. She hoped she had finally found some nice people willing to love her.

And so the adventure of the eight girls began. With a chat together outside the school on their way home. 


	2. September-December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW !!! in this chapter there are references to self-harm and suicide.

Days, weeks and even the first two months of school had passed. 

The air in the classroom was quiet, more or less. There were twenty-four girls, so the room was often filled with laughter and constant chatter, but they were not annoying. 

Gigi was beginning to find pleasure in going to school and being with her new friends, her first real friends. She had always been introverted, but somehow those girls managed to bring out the best in her and her smile, which hid so many things that smiling became difficult. 

But Gigi would never open up to anyone. Besides not knowing how, she didn't want to, for fear of becoming too fragile in the eyes of others. She had been told by that blonde teacher in middle school that she was "an earthenware vase in the middle of iron vases, destined to break". And from that day on, Gigi had always tried to be anything but that vase. Showing that she was always smiling and pretty was her only way to become an iron vase, but she didn't realize that she always remained the earthenware vase, only painted with the same silver as the others. 

Often at night, when the lights went out and everyone went to sleep, Gigi remained alone. She would stay awake, sitting on her desk where she often studied, with her legs dangling. She would make them swing like when she was a child, with a pinch of tranquility. And that's how she began to get lost in the dark.

A simple movement brought her back to a simple memory: that of when as a child she swung her legs in the same way, while patiently waiting for her sister to take her hand and take her to the park with her. It also reminded her of the times when her grandmother held her hand and took her shopping with her. 

How she would have loved to be a child again. To be cheerful again, pure, good, sincere and unaware of the wickedness of the world. And Gigi thought that children didn't even know the sadness, the emptiness. 

She wanted to go back to when her head didn't wander among questions, among wrong answers, among loneliness, but above all to when her mind didn't kill her so much that she hurt herself physically. She wanted to go back to those times when she didn't even know what it meant to hate herself, to those times when looking in the mirror she saw a princess and not someone she didn't know anymore. Dark circles under the eyes for insomnia, red eyes for crying, a smashed face, marked wrists. But how had she become that ghost? It was frightening how all that bullying had had those serious effects on a poor little girl like Gigi, already sensitive enough. 

The sadness, the depression, had eaten her alive. 

She had wondered a thousand times why she was always the spare tire, why nobody ever loved her, why the hell she was never enough? She saw herself as a problem for others, a burden. She wanted to get away. Run away, far, far away, forever. 

Gigi cried in silence. She cried because she didn't want to disappoint anyone, she cried because that monster wasn't her, she cried because she promised herself that she would save herself and instead she was doing nothing but harm. 

And she cried even more. The knot in her throat was so tight that she couldn't breathe. She couldn't help but wonder what she'd done to deserve those things. 

She wondered if anyone would ever notice. She wondered if anyone would ever try to save her. She wondered if anyone would have ever realized that behind her shy smile was darkness. She didn't have the courage to ask for help.

Luckily or miraculously, that someone came into Gigi's life at the moment when she was most lost. A message appeared on the screen of her cell phone and immediately her hands began to shake. The sense of shame and anxiety immediately pervaded her, leaving her petrified. 

_ Gigi...Is this your twitter? - Crystal M. _

When the girl opened the message, she also saw the screen that Crystal had sent her. Yeah, that was her profile. That profile she used as her diary. That profile that she wrote every bad thing that often crossed her mind. That profile she was sure no one would ever know about. When the thoughts became too many, Gigi would throw them all on that Twitter profile where no one cared.

She still stared at the screen. She had been discovered. Her pretty, strong facade would never hold up, not with Crystal. Even though she had only known her recently, her instincts told her that she could trust her, that maybe it was time to get help, to get out of her shell and start living. She decided to tell you the truth.

_ Yes, it's mine - Gigi _

On the other hand, Crystal was waiting for her answer, worried. She had found that profile by chance and although the nickname was "Gigi Goode", she wondered if it was really her classmate. So she started to scroll down, little clues suggested it was her. 

  
  


_ I wanna go somewhere far, and disappear _

_ Sometimes, i don’t wanna be me anymore _

_ No one understand my inner pain _

_ I thought I was getting better. I honestly did. But now I'm laying in bed at 4am, trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me and why I'm never enough _

_ I’m a background character in everyone’s life. I’m not important to anyone. I don’t even matter. _

_ Sometimes it feels like I’m too much of a coward to live but I’m too much of a coward to kill myself too. I don’t know why I’m here anymore. _

Crystal the more she scrolled down, the more the written words hurt, became heavy and created too much worry in her. She had to know if it was Gigi. She needed to know if her new friend needed her, if those were her cries for help. 

When she read that "yes," Crystal almost felt a heart attack.

She felt the situation was much bigger than she was, so she sensed it. And she was afraid she couldn't do enough and couldn't catch her in time. She decided that she would be as close to her as possible, decided to take her hand and try to go somewhere, together and into the future. 

The curly-haired girl first asked her friend for the password to her profile, where it all started. She deleted every negative page that followed, filled that space with positivity and changed the images, with others that said "You're a work of art. Not everyone will understand you, but the ones who do will never forget about you". 

So Crystal started asking Gigi often how she was doing and also told her that she felt free to talk to her whenever something was wrong. She always tried to help her, to make her understand that she had value, that she was a special and colorful person. She was just a 14-year-old girl, yet together with the willpower of the other, she was taking that difficult path. 

Their relationship began to grow and deepen. The trust one placed in the other was not indifferent. 

It was the beginning of December when Gigi was thinking about it, looking out of the window at the school garden. She was completely lost in her thoughts, with the sleeves of her sweater tight in her hands, the people around her were as if they had disappeared. 

Actually the class was full of little girls and the friends around her were wondering what they would wear for the first birthday they would go together. Gigi had disassociated herself from them because she already knew that they would all look better than her, even if she wore her favorite dress. 

\- Gee, what kind of flower is this? - Crystal was sitting next to her and quietly flipping through her diary. Among the pages was a drawing of a colorful flower, with large, precisely colored petals. 

Crystal had always been a person very attracted by what goes on in other people's minds and above all she was a social animal. She liked to make new friends, talk to people, find out what they think, why, what they feel. And Gigi intrigued her to death.

\- It's a rose, do you like it? - Gigi recovered and gave her friend a smile. She felt safe with her for the first time, as if nothing could hurt her anymore. 

Crystal nodded and after a few seconds asked another question. 

\- Why a rose? Is that your favorite flower? - the curly-haired girl asked her again. She watched her bite her lower lip while Gigi was probably deciding whether to tell her something or not. She waited patiently, with that reassuring air. The curly-haired girl would never force Gigi to talk or do anything she didn't want to, which made it easier to get close to Crystal. It made her feel comfortable and open up spontaneously, which she thought she could never do before. 

\- No... I mean, I like roses, but they're not my favorite flowers. I drew a rose because it was my grandmother's favorite flower - Gigi moved her long hair behind her ears. Crystal noticed how the other one tried to keep her smile, even though her eyes got sad. She remembered what Gigi had told her about the woman just a few nights earlier, how her death had marked her deeply. 

Crystal laid her hand on her shoulder, saying nothing. 

\- It's really beautiful - she complimented her again and smiled at her. 

Gigi loved Crystal's smile, always spontaneous and brilliant, she was crazy about it. She was able to light up the room even just by remaining silent, she was just like the sun. While Gigi, she was the perfect incarnation of the moon, with her light skin and shyness.

They were two completely different people that somehow made up for each other. 

The two of them joined in the chat with the other friends, Brita had proposed to all of them to spend the afternoon at the mall, so that the friends could help her choose something to wear and spend time together. Gigi thought it was a good idea and decided to accept the initiative first. She was joined by Adien, Widow, Jan and Dahlia. Unfortunately, the others were already busy, but they promised that they would organize themselves for another time. 

The afternoon arrived and Brita, who lived in a nearby city, asked Gigi to spend some time together as her bus would arrive in advance. The girl accepted, she was used to Brita's company, which made her laugh so much. That girl was a concentrate of cheerfulness, even when her days didn't start off on the right foot she was able to gather her calm and continue to be joyful. She might have looked like someone who only made jokes, but she was actually much deeper and smarter. 

Brita, together with Crystal, had made friends with Gigi most of all. They just started talking about school stuff and then ended up sharing their opinions on TV series or talking about their families. Gigi had often found herself also giving advice to Brita, she didn't know how to help herself, but at least she always tried to help others. 

The girls spent that half hour alone walking through the streets of the city, which gradually began to fill up with groups of grandparents and mothers with their children. 

\- I have seen more people here today than in all my life where I live - Brita laughed as she walked beside Gigi. The latter looked at her amused and shocked at the same time.

\- No, that's impossible. This place is always empty, those three children down there and the five old people sitting on that bench are the biggest crowd - Gigi answered her, continuing to joke. They both lived in two country cities, small and lost, so it was useless to compete. 

\- One evening I'll take you to dinner in my city. You'll see that besides me, you, the waiter and the pizza chef there will be no one else - the taller girl raised her shoulders, always with a mocking smile on her lips and sweet eyes. The truth was that she liked to see Gigi smile, and even more she liked that it was her who made her laugh. 

\- All right, I'll wait for your invitation, and if you tell the truth, I'll pay - she finished talking and put her hand out to seal that sort of bet. Gigi had just made Brita the happiest girl on the planet: the girl she had a crush on had agreed to go to dinner with her. Sure, Gigi didn't know about her feelings, but Brita was happy like that. The girl didn't remember how it had started, she was only aware that her heart was beating faster even when Gigi hugged her to say goodbye. 

Brita shook her hand and nodded, accepting the challenge. The two of them continued chatting on a bench, where they waited for the rest of their friends, also arriving on a bus. 

The afternoon passed quickly through gossip, shopping and laughter. Dahlia and Widow were the ones who tried the most stuff of all, buying just as much. Brita stuck to her initial plan and bought only one dress she was interested in for the party. Finally Gigi, Aiden and Jan were the ones who gave their opinions and advice. They began to find the idea of being judges funny and they all pretended to be in a TV show. They really did have much fun. 

The most interesting part, though, was when while they were sitting at a McDonald's table, Dahlia asked a question.

\- We talked about everything, but I'm curious to know... Do you like anyone? - the dark-haired girl put her hands under her chin, waiting for an answer. Being little girls, questions like that were more than normal. 

Widow shook her head, Dahlia loved to gossip, and everyone knew it by now. 

\- I'm okay for now - Widow spoke first.

\- Ugh, there's so many guys who want you, Widow... I don't like anybody, but I'd love a boyfriend! - Jan whimpered, making her lower lip stick out.

\- I feel you, Jan - Dahlia patted her back, serious but amused at the same time. 

\- If you want we can get together - laughed the blonde, sending a flying kiss to the other one. Dahlia answered her that she would gladly be her girlfriend, then her gaze settled on the other two friends who hadn't said a word. Brita looked around, pretending nothing had happened. Gigi was red in the face and tried to hide behind her long hair. 

\- What do you two have to say? - Dahlia turned to them. 

\- Gigi is all red in the face! Look at her, so pretty - Widow stepped in, hugging her friend, softened by her. Gigi covered herself with her hands, laughing and saying it was hot. 

Brita looked at her and part of her hoped that Gigi was blushing because she liked someone and that someone was her. To go unnoticed, she joined the others' choirs, begging her to say who she liked.

\- Okay! Okay, I'll only tell you if you guess. But you have to promise to keep it a secret - Gigi said exasperated. Dahlia clapped happily. Before she could speak, the food they ordered arrived and distracted the girls for a few moments. 

\- We're waiting! - Jan repeated, taking the first bite of her burger. Gigi turned red again and then decided to talk. 

\- I said you have to guess - she shrugged her shoulders, smart girl. 

\- Give us a clue at least - Widow asked her, sipping her coke. 

\- It's someone from our class - Gigi just said. Brita risked choking on the chips she was eating. If Gigi had come out to her in that fast food restaurant...

Jan, Widow and Brita started listing the girls in the class, never guessing. Dahlia stood quietly in thought. She was good at that kind of thing. She could get there in one go. 

\- You like Brita? - Jan pointed to the girl next to her and couldn't figure it out. Brita turned red, her heart accelerated and tried to ignore it.

\- No, no, it's not Brita... It's Nicky - Dahlia broke the chatter even before Gigi could answer. She froze to look at her, as if she'd caught her right in the middle of it. In her head she was thinking she didn't want them to know about Crystal, because she was the girl she had a crush on. She regretted telling her friends she liked someone. She didn't even know if she really liked her or not. It could also be that since Crystal was the first person to give her real attention and affection, she confused friendship for love. She preferred to keep it to herself. 

\- You guessed it - Gigi bit her lip. Nicky was the one she talked to the least, but on one hand, it wasn't even a lie. Nicky was beautiful and nice. Every time she talked to her, she secretly tried impress her. 

Brita, next to her, froze too. Her hopes had all been dashed. Of course, someone like Gigi could never fall in love with her, what a fool she'd been. 

\- I'm a genius, I knew it! I've seen the way you look at each other - Dahlia rejoiced. Widow and Jan, who were close friends with Nicky, had a smile on their faces. 

\- We could ask her if she... - Jan started proposing, but Gigi stopped her right away.

\- No! You mustn't tell her anything, it's a secret, please - the girl answered, begging her friends to ignore it. It would be embarrassing in so many ways that Gigi would have to pack for Mexico. 

\- All right, we'll be good - Widow reassured her, she was sincere, and you could see it in her eyes. After that conversation, Brita didn't talk much and the friends finished dinner quietly, and then each went back to her house. 

Gigi felt happy about that afternoon and couldn't wait to repeat it with the rest of her friends. With Crystal. She still had no idea what was going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me sweat, but here we are!!! I hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think! Love u all xx


	3. Half December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!! again, implied self harm

After that day, Brita began to think about telling Gigi that she liked her. On the one hand she knew that Gigi wouldn't be mean to her, but on the other hand she was afraid that she would go away and Brita didn't want to lose her friend. But first she had to come to terms with herself and accept that the other wasn't even remotely in love with her, and it hurt a little. It hurt even more to feel that she couldn't tell anyone because Gigi was usually the one she confided in. 

Almost a week later, Widow, weirded out that Brita was so quiet, approached her desk. 

\- What's with you today? I've never seen you go this long without saying something - Widow sat next to her. 

\- I just have thoughts in my head, it's normal - Brita answered her. Her gaze fell casually on Nicky, who had approached Gigi, surprising her from behind and tickling her hips. The dark-haired girl laughed, trying to escape and her cheeks turned red while the blond-haired girl was having fun not letting her go. 

Brita breathed a sigh. Widow turned to look, to see where her gaze was pointing, but she thought she didn't understand.

\- You can tell me about it if you want, I promise not to tell anyone - her friend put her hand on her arm, with a reassuring smile on her lips. 

\- Let's go into the hallway - she got up by dragging Widow by her arm. They stopped at the radiator at the end of the corridor, near the janitor's desk. 

\- So? - the friend spurred her on to talk. Brita looked around once more, to avoid making a fool of herself. 

\- I didn't answer Dahlia's question when we were at McDonald’s - she stopped for a moment, she was still thinking about whether to confide or not. Then she decided that the weight in her chest was too great. - I like someone... And it’s Gigi - the girl said it all in one breath. 

Widow was relieved to hear that her veil of sadness was over something so simple and that nothing serious had happened to her. Two seconds later she began to realize the whole situation. 

\- Oh shit - Widow put her hand on her lips. She felt a little guilty for urging Gigi and Nicky to get to know each other better. Of course, she couldn't know, but she apologized to Brita anyway. The latter told her that there was no need, as Gigi was still interested in someone else. 

\- Tell her, Bri, really. You'd better talk to her, you're friends - Widow suggested. 

\- What if she never talks to me again? Not even three months of school I already start fighting with people - she shook her head, thinking too much about it. 

\- Are we talking about the same Gigi or not? Come on, she's more sensitive than you describe her - the friend said and couldn't have been more right. Gigi probably would also apologize for indirectly hurting her. They kept arguing about it for a while until the pros became more than the cons. The only thing was that Brita decided to do it by message, looking at her face would have embarrassed her too much, she couldn't. 

Meanwhile in class Gigi was still struggling with Nicky's liveliness. Her friends, who had promised not to do or say anything about her "crush", had shamelessly done the opposite. Nicky talked to her more often and it couldn't be an accident. The fact was that she liked her a lot more than she thought she did. The blond-haired girl had her charms and Gigi would tell a lie that the other one didn't affect her at all. 

Yet her mind kept getting lost in Crystal, her sweet manners and her contagious laugh. She couldn't help it, and every time she told Crystal, they got closer to each other.

After school Gigi had gone to Crystal's house for lunch, it was the first afternoon they spent together, alone.

The curly-haired girl's parents had welcomed her smiling, the table was already set and Gigi seemed to be a guest of honour. It was nice to see all that welcome. During lunch the family chatted amiably, asking Gigi occasional questions. Crystal made sure that her friend never felt uncomfortable, she knew that it was not the best for her to relate to new people, especially if they were adults. But things went smoothly until the end and the two girls retired to Crystal's room to study. 

Gigi looked around. The room was bright, the early afternoon sun came in through the French window. One wall had a New York City wallpaper and the room was decorated with Crystal's favorite pictures and phrases. There were also many books and CDs on a shelf and Gigi stopped to read the titles. The friend never ceased to amaze her. 

\- Do you like it? - Crystal asked her, throwing herself on her bed. 

\- Yes, it really is... you - she answered, standing by the desk. She didn't know whether to approach or not, her heart was beating at a moderate rate. Crystal was quiet and looked at her curiously for the words that had come out of her lips. 

\- In what way? - her friend bent her head to one side and then crossed her legs, inviting Gigi to sit with her. Before answering, she did as she was asked and copied the position of the other one.

\- Well, in the sense that everything here reflects you to the max. I imagined it just like this, with the drawings, the photos, the CDs, the books. I don't know if it makes sense... - Gigi smiled embarrassed. Crystal found it really sweet the way her cheeks turned the lightest red. 

\- That's the nicest thing anyone could tell me - the curly-haired girl gave her that bright smile and Gigi thought she couldn't make it. 

They stayed in bed chatting for a short while and then decided to do the few homework assignments and then had the whole afternoon free to spend undisturbed. 

Gigi wasn't surprised when Crystal was able to explain to her the math exercises she kept failing. She had started to go into crisis, saying she was stupid and would never succeed and the friend, after telling her that she wasn't at all like that, calmly made her understand all those steps to solve the equations. She never lost the patience and the smile that was painted on Gigi's face when she started to succeed on her own made her feel satisfied. It was nice to see her happy about something so simple. 

When it was over, they decided to watch a TV series together and finally Gigi was able to convince Crystal to watch Sherlock. She had stressed her out in all sorts of ways, and when they started watching it, it wasn't long before Crystal got into it. They would sit next to each other and sometimes the curly-haired girl would rest her head on her friend's shoulder, secretly driving her crazy.

As the detective in the computer was about to solve the case, Gigi's phone vibrated. 

_ I'm going out with Nicky tonight. I'm gonna ask her about you.) - Jan _

Crystal's gaze fell first on the small screen and Gigi's followed shortly after. The latter was quick and blocked the phone without answering, in the hope that the friend resting on her wouldn't say anything. But she did. She raised her head and looked at her with a smile that meant something.

\- Don't say anything - Gigi anticipated, but without success.

\- What is it? You like Nicky? - she gave her gave her a light elbow on her arm.

\- No, stop it - the other one answered her, moving her dark hair from her shoulders. She would have wanted to disappear 20 meters underground. 

\- Come on, why didn't you tell me? You know you can trust me - Crystal almost seemed offended. Gigi had told her everything from the most embarrassing to the saddest thing, why be ashamed of a crush? 

\- Because it's not true - Gigi said again, without realizing where the conversation was going. 

\- Then what reason does Jan have to talk to Nicky about you? - the friend tried to get the already obvious information out of her. She wondered why she wasn't telling her the truth. 

\- No one, I didn't ask her - she shrugged and as soon as her eyes met Crystal's, she knew it wasn't a lie. 

\- I don't understand - Crystal looked at her confused. 

\- Crystal, it's not Nicky I like... I mean, I told the others that I like her, but only because I didn't want them to know the truth - Gigi didn't know where that sudden courage came from. She just said what was on her mind. In the background, Sherlock Holmes was choosing which of the two pills the serial killer offered wasn't deadly. 

Gigi felt the same way. Crystal was about to find out, and things could go one of two ways: either she was interested in her too, or she would reject her. 

\- I'm sorry, Gi, but I don't think that makes any sense... Who do you like then? - the curly-haired girl puffed smiling, even though she meant it. 

\- Don't you get it? I like you - her words were like a whistle in total silence. She regretted it as soon as she closed her mouth. Crystal looked at her for a few moments, not knowing exactly what to say, and that made Gigi feel even worse. 

The sound of the gunshot coming from the computer made the girls jump. 

\- Gigi, I... You're a great girl, but... But I don't like you, well, I like you, yes, but only as a friend - Crystal put those words together and tried to do her as little harm as possible. She still wanted Gigi to trust her, to love her. She didn't want to become just another reason to make her feel bad. 

\- Yeah, of course. Don't worry - Gigi smiled at her. She actually wanted to run away in shame. She didn't expect a girl as beautiful as Crystal to fall in love with her, but part of herself hoped so. She could only think that, once again, she wasn't enough. She wasn't pretty or nice or smart enough to please Crystal.

\- All right...If you want to talk about it we can do it, look I'll be here to listen to you anyway...Even if the problem is me - the friend answered her, trying to be as reassuring as possible. It was really difficult to be in that position, with Gigi in front of her, who had clearly put herself on the defensive so as not to let her see what she really felt. Crystal had had to learn to read her movements and her face because Gigi often pretended to be all right until she exploded like a bomb and ended up hurting herself, and she had to avoid that.

\- It's fine, Crystal, don't worry - Gigi continued. Then she changed the subject quickly, saying they’d missed the best part of the show. Crystal let her do it, hoping that her friend would talk to her when she was ready. She slid back the minutes to the point where they had stopped following the detective and ended it all in silence. 

Gigi's father picked her up shortly afterwards from her friend's house. Crystal tried to say goodbye with a hug, but the other one waved away slightly, greeting her with a faint smile.

Crystal couldn't help but be disappointed. Gigi was a special person to her, she didn't want that little detail to ruin their relationship.

Gigi pretended that everything was fine with her father too and once home she went to her room. She hoped to hide at least until the next day, but the problems were not over. 

_ Hey Gigi, can we talk as soon as you can? - Brita _

She accidentally opened the message right away. Anxiety started to build up. Was Brita mad at her too now?

_ Hey Bri, of course we can talk - Gigi _

Brita didn't expect to see her answer so quickly. She started writing down everything she wanted to say. Gigi felt mocked by life as soon as she read the message.

_ I don't want to dwell too long, but I've liked you for a while. I know you like Nicky, so don't worry. I care about you and I'm afraid it's gonna make things weird between us, but I wanted you to know that and I really want our friendship to stay the same - Brita _

_ I promise you nothing will change. You're a smart, funny girl. You'll find someone better than me to love you. Thank you for being honest, I love you - Gigi _

The girl didn't hesitate to answer her. She knew how much it hurt to be rejected and said to her friend words that came straight from her heart. She also understood Crystal's point of view, but somehow the voices in her head attacked her. 

Gigi found herself thinking she was a bad person who didn't deserve that affection, who didn't deserve all those new friends who were good to her. She also began to think that maybe they were good to her just to please her and actually hated her, like everyone else. 

She couldn't stop that night. Gigi couldn't pick up the phone and tell Crystal she needed her, that she was going to do a horrible thing. In fact, she just did it, slowly leaving herself in pain and healing herself almost at dawn, while everyone was still asleep. 

She felt like a traitor. If her family had even accidentally seen the marks on her arms, they would have been disappointed in her. As they always were. Like everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I wanted to take a moment to say something: please, if you ever find yourself thinking to hurt yourself or even worse PLEASE ask for help. Don't ever be ashamed, it's okay to ask for help and wanting to heal: hurting yourself is never a solution. Please be safe!   
> I hope you liked the chapter anyway, and as always feel free to let me know what you think. Love u all xx


	4. End of December

_ (teenage girl letter to the world) _

_ By the time you read these words probably more than a pimple will have appeared on my face, I will have already cried several times because I am certainly the ugliest person in the world and because the woman I love will never be mine. Life is shit when you're like me, an almost-child-almost-adult, almost-humiliated-almost-respected by everyone. I am a no man's land dweller, a person with no possible connection to her surroundings.  _

_ I'm an extraterrestrial to myself, that's what I am. _

_ Nothing I do is okay. If I want to play the Playstation I'm childish, if I want to go out at night I have a mania for being older. I find myself stuck in a place where no decision is up to me, where everything passes me by upstairs, downstairs, sideways. Everything passes without paying attention to me. And everything that passes by hurts me. I am a mountain of doubts, a mountain of faults, a mountain of dreams and an even bigger mountain of nightmares. I'm a non-being. _

_ I'm what I've never been and what I'll never be again, that's what I am.  _

_ And then the future happens. That's what happens to me every day: the future. I have no idea what's going to happen to me, but I don't want to know. I don't want my mom and dad's sad routine. I want the unexpected, I want the surprise, I want the euphoria. I want to love, I want to dance, I want to travel, I want to imagine and then I want to realize everything I imagine. I want to change the world the way poets change the world. I want to do what I want, when I want it. I want to be against society, against what is imposed, against teachers, against those who know nothing and accuse me of knowing nothing. I want rebellion, revolt. To fight against what cannot be.  _

_ I am what I know I can't be, that's what I am.  _

_ Everyone criticizes me because no one knows where I am. Loneliness is normal at my age. Because those who are not my age don't give a damn about those of my age, they call us idiots, inconclusive, incapable creatures, examples of a failed society. And those of my age are so lost in their own doubts, so closed in themselves, that they are unable to look around and understand that there are others in the same situation, there, at their side, in the same place, with the same doubts, the same anxieties. Nobody pays attention to me.  _

_ I am the one who understands that nobody pays attention to her because she always thinks only of herself, that's what I am. _

_ I know I think too much. I know I do too much thinking. I know it shouldn't torment me not knowing who I am, why I am, for who I am - even who I am. But I torment myself. I don't stop tormenting myself. I know it shouldn't torment me listening to music, reading a book, getting an email. But it torments me. Sometimes everything torments me.  _

_ I'm a tormented creature, that's what I am. _

_ Just a wall in front of me. Around me only a wall. A closed road. A constant asphyxiation. A feeling of tight throat, a silent fear, an overwhelming agony. It's all or nothing. A pessimism that comforts. I feel to suffer, I close myself to suffer. There are so many things to suffer for. The changing body, the nights spent studying, the cruel companions, the unrequited love, the desire never satisfied, the misunderstanding of the parents. There are many things to suffer for and few to laugh about. It is true that I laugh a lot, that I play a lot, that I spend my life telling stories to my friends. It's true that I try to adapt. But nothing moves inside me. Optimism is demanding and it seems stupid. There's nothing more dangerous than growing up. And I don't stop growing. I'm attracted to what adults do, but at the same time I don't stop being attracted to what children have. I'm attracted to everything I don't have yet and everything I've already had. _

_ I'm mostly what I don't have anymore, that's what I am. _

_ By the time you read these words probably more than a pimple will have popped in my face, I will have cried several times because I am the ugliest person in school and in the whole world and because the woman I love will never be mine. And you, in the meantime, how many lessons have you learned? _

The next day Gigi went to school so she wouldn't be alone at home. She lacked strength, but she was more afraid of the calm and silence of home than the noisy classroom full of her companions. So that morning she put on a sweatshirt that was too big, headphones in her ears and walked towards the building. When she arrived in front of the station, where she usually waited for the rest of her friends, she did not stop. She had forgotten her scarf and the December cold wasn't so nice that morning, or she just wanted to avoid being in close contact with Crystal. 

She wanted to be alone and quiet, but the universe seemed to have other plans.

\- Gigi! Hey! - a voice called out to her. She tried to ignore it, but then the footsteps got closer and a hand landed on her shoulder. 

\- Good morning, Bri - the girl looked over at her friend next to her and smiled at her. Luckily it was Brita. 

\- Are you late too today? - Brita seemed quiet. From the outside everything seemed normal, as if the confessions the night before hadn't happened. On the inside instead all her organs were shaking, hoping that her friendship with Gigi was really safe and that things hadn't got weird. 

\- Yes, I made a longer road, I felt like walking - Gigi shrugged her shoulders. There was no tension in the air. Gigi really meant everything she had said to Brita the night before, and she intended to keep her promise to stay by her side. If her friend was okay with her staying, despite her crush, she would. Hurting her in vain wasn't on her agenda. 

\- I didn't hear the alarm clock, luckily my little sister came to make a noise in my room - the girl snorted amusedly and melted when she saw Gigi doing the same. 

\- Why do I imagine her waking you up by tapping a spoon on a pot? - the friend laughed and finished saying the sentence. Brita's company was doing her good. She laughed and joked and said that's exactly what had happened. The two of them continued chatting until they got to class. 

Gigi was happy to have a friend like Brita and was equally happy to see that not only in words, but also in deeds, nothing had changed. They had probably become even more close and Brita was relieved too. 

Gigi wished she felt the same way about Crystal. But as soon as she saw her, her heart rushed down into her stomach, and the burning on her wrists came alive. For a moment their eyes crossed and Crystal was the first to quickly turn away from her, turning to talk to Jaida. 

Before she could even think, Nicky approached Gigi, wishing her a good day. That smile and sudden sweetness made her heart warm, maybe something could have been born and maybe she would have forgotten Crystal. 

After that short exchange, Nicky went to Brita and at the same time Jan, Widow and Dahlia approached her jumping.

\- Aren't you two cute! - Dahlia pretended to wipe a little tear and then giggled. Gigi raised her eyes to the sky and shook her head, still with that little smile on her lips.

\- If you smile like that now, I can't imagine what you'll do when I tell you things - Jan clapped her hands happily.

\- You scare me - Gigi answered a bit confused and before the friends could say anything else, Nicky and Brita attracted the attention of the class.

As class representatives the two of them were in charge of running everything and that morning there was their famous class assembly. This meant that they would make that draw to change classmates. 

Gigi hoped not to end up with someone she wasn't too close to, it would be strange. The names began to be drawn and slowly the girls moved their things from one desk to another. Gigi was called along with Dahlia and Jan, who were put together in the three-way at the back of the class. It couldn't have gone better for her and she thought she would get to know Dahlia a little better, since beyond a few superficial chats there had never been anything else. 

The rest of the morning went quite well, contrary to what Gigi had imagined. All the sadness and pain that she had felt had gone away, giving way to more beautiful emotions. Dahlia continued to make her and Jan laugh, Brita and Widow sitting in the desk in front of them turned to chat as soon as they had the chance, and every now and then Nicky went to sit between them to participate. Crystal and Jaida instead remained on their own, laughing and joking to themselves. Gigi couldn't help but look at the curly-haired girl, who seemed to want nothing more to do with her. In the end they were ignoring each other, so what was she worried about? 

\- Finally Friday is my birthday, at least we have fun in a place other than this mold room - Widow exclaimed after a group laugh raised by an exchange of jokes between Brita and Nicky. 

\- Friday is like the day after tomorrow... Why are you talking about it like it's weeks away? - Jan asked her by moving her head to one side. 

\- Because it's so far away for me - the girl answered her as if it was an obvious thing. 

As they continued talking about Widow's birthday, Nicky turned to Gigi to ask if she would be there. She nodded and her friend winked at her and smiled. Gigi turned red and wore brown hair on her shoulders, trying to hide herself as she usually did at embarrassing moments. This did not go unnoticed, but they all pretended not to have seen: they would have made fun of Gigi once alone. 

At the end of the day, as always, they all made their way home together, including Jaida and Crystal who talked to everyone except Gigi. The latter did not care, she was chatting with Dahlia, who was a discovery for her. The girl wasn't just gossip and jokes, there was more to it than that. And she couldn't wait to find out what.

The next two days went by the same way, which made Gigi feel much better. Her will to live and do something increased and she couldn't wait to attend Widow's birthday party. She prepared herself calmly, her mother helped her iron her hair, then chose something simple from her closet and put on little makeup. She waited until Brita arrived with her father to go to the birthday girl's house together. Once at the girl's house, everyone was already there and after wishing Widow well, Gigi approached the rest of her friends. 

The evening began slowly, until the guests found themselves dancing and having fun. They were all still too young for alcohol so there was no trace of it, but there was no need for it either. 

Nicky, taken by some kind of courage, put her hands on Gigi's hips and started dancing with her. Nobody had yet understood what was going through the blonde girl's mind, who hadn't expressed herself beyond a little "she's pretty". She probably didn't want everyone to know what she was thinking, so she just approached Gigi in her own way. Although the truth was that she was always a little shy when it came to certain things, only that she wanted to show her confidence and with the situation under control.

The dark-haired girl let go of her and her movements, giggling with the other when their eyes accidentally crossed. That's when something began to move in Gigi's chest and stomach. She thought she would gladly stay all night dancing in Nicky's arms. And Nicky, she thought she would gladly stay and watch her smile like that, with her cheeks dyed red, she had never seen anything better. 

Crystal watched them as she stood on the balcony with one of the cigarettes stolen from her brother's desk. She wasn't jealous or anything, she just wanted to talk to Gigi and understand what was happening to her. She was gaining courage. It was hard not to be friends with her anymore, and she cared too much about her to let her go like that. The fact was that it didn't seem right to interrupt that moment that she seemed to like and that maybe it could be a way to see her happy. So she waited. She waited for Nicky to be dragged away by another one of her friends reluctantly, throwing a flying kiss at Gigi, who looked down in embarrassment. That's when Crystal put out her cigarette.

\- Excuse me, excuse me, Gee, can we talk? - Crystal made room amongst the people and then amongst the friends who attacked the brunette girl. Gigi looked up at her, and to get away from the discomfort, she accepted. Actually she wanted to say no, she wanted to tell her that she could continue to ignore her as she had done in the last three days. 

Crystal took her hand and carried her away in silence. They stopped in the stairs of the building where Widow lived, away from everyone and the music too loud. The curly girl sat down, Gigi instead stood and looked at her with her arms crossed. 

\- Come on, sit down, don't be like that - Crystal told her, making room for her. Gigi was too weak to resist her, in fact she sighed and did as she had asked. Then her friend started talking again - I told you I'd listen to you anyway, why did you walk away from me? - she asked her.

\- Because you ignored me, I could tell you didn't want me around, Crystal - Gigi shook her head, remembering how their eyes had crossed so many times and each time they both turned their heads elsewhere.

\- You're right and I apologize, but you did the same. You can't deny it - the curly-haired girl wasn't angry, her tone was calm. Gigi stopped to think about her words. She wasn't wrong. 

\- I know, I'm sorry... I just felt weird, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I'd embarrass you or whatever... - she started gesturing like she usually does. Crystal's eye fell on a sleeve that slipped up her arm at one of Gigi's movements. 

\- Gigi, what did you do? - the friend momentarily erased the other one's words from her brain, as she was distracted by what she had glimpsed. She hoped she was wrong. 

\- What? - Gigi didn't understand, looked at her confused, then noticed her sleeve too. She pulled it back down quickly, getting up from the step she was sitting on and almost running away. She didn't want to face that situation, especially at that moment. 

Crystal followed her down the stairs until she stopped. She looked into her clear, shiny eyes. She could feel her heart run with anxiety and fear of being discovered. 

Crystal felt like a shitty friend.

\- Why? - the girl took her hand calmly and to her surprise Gigi let her. She was shaking. Crystal caressed her hand, but she never mentioned raising her sleeve. She didn't want to see, she didn't want Gigi to feel ashamed, she didn't want to be so mean to her. It wasn't like Crystal. 

\- I wanted to ask you for help... But by now I thought you hated me - Gigi spoke with a whisper, trusting Crystal's caresses completely. 

\- Gigi, I'll never hate you. You've got a crush on me, so what? We're 14, almost 15 by now, it's normal. You're still special to me - Crystal looked her in the eye and smiled. She could never hate Gigi, even if she wanted to. Their bond was too deep. 

Gigi bit her lower lip so she wouldn't cry. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of someone, which was totally out of question for her. 

Crystal hugged her tightly, stroking her back. 

\- Sorry - Gigi told her, hiding her face on her shoulder.

\- Stop apologizing for everything. Just promise me you'll never do it again, we have to get out of this ugly place in your mind, together - the friend slowly let go of the hug so she could look at her face. Gigi nodded and told her that she promised her she would be clean from that day on. 

Something moved in her. She wanted to be better for herself. She wanted to be well, she wanted to go on living that life full of joy and laughter with her new friends and also with her family. She wanted to say "Enough" to all that evil. 

Would it have taken a lot of work? Yes, it would. Did she care? No. 

Whatever it took, she would've tried to get out of her shell and finally blow up her thousand colors. They were there, inside her, and there was no reason to hide them anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember: everything gets better.  
> Thank you for reading, let me know if you liked this chapter and what you think about it!! Love u all xx


	5. January

Christmas holidays arrived and Gigi was almost sad about it. By now going to school had become the best part of her day, where she had the chance to spend time with her friends. But even in the family she had begun to feel more serene.

When she sat at the table among her relatives, for the first time she didn't feel excluded. She had begun to open up more, participating in those idiotic card games and all just for a few laughs. It seemed like the best Christmas Eve ever, and it actually was when snowflakes came down to cover the streets, which was so rare for the place where Gigi lived. The whole family put on their heavy coats, scarves and hats and went out for a walk. Gigi, her sister Mary and her cousins Sarah and Alison had fun throwing snowballs at each other and laughed their heads off when little Dan tripped and fell face-first into the soft, white snow. Their parents walked just ahead of them, all together, as if they were young again. 

It was cold, but that family had such a warm, loving spirit that it didn't matter. Gigi couldn't stop smiling, it was a fantastic feeling. 

The bells on the big clock tower rang at midnight: it was officially Christmas. Everyone exchanged the usual “Merry Christmas” and then decided to go home and drink hot chocolate.

_ Merry Christmas Gee! - Nicky 💖 _

The first message she saw once in the house was that one. Nicky and Gigi had started texting each other every day, non-stop. They chatted and expressed themselves that way, making some video calls when Nicky wanted to see Gigi so much. 

The latter had started to feel feelings being born and everything had happened so quietly and without hurry that it was fine. A part of her feared that hers was an illusion, that Nicky wasn't feeling the same things that she was feeling. The other, who was represented by her friends, told her that the blonde girl was really in love. Gigi knew they wouldn't need to tell each other anything to know what was blooming between them, but her friends wanted that so bad that declaration of love to happen. 

As she smiled as she looked at the screen with Nicky's message, Gigi found herself thinking that love was the greatest joke in the world.

Adults take love too seriously. They think about the reasons why they love, whether or not they have to hug, whether or not they have to kiss, whether or not they have to shake hands and run and jump and stick your tongue out. Love is not thinking about anything or it is not love. 

And Gigi loved her family and loved all her friends. When she was with them, she thought very little.

_ Merry Christmas to you, Nicky - Gigi 🧡 _

She answered and then went to the kitchen to prepare that hot chocolate with her aunt, her heart bursting. 

The holidays continued and the last day of 2015 arrived. At the stroke of midnight, Gigi expressed only one wish for the New Year: that it would be one full of that inexhaustible happiness she was feeling. And again, a message from Nicky made her smile. How was it possible that within a few weeks she made her feel all those emotions?

Nicky told her she couldn't wait to go back to school to see her again. Gigi thought her wish had already come true.

When they went back to school, Crystal's birthday was coming up, and Gigi wanted to give her a present. The two after the night of Widow's birthday had gotten very close. It was impossible to separate them, they were each other's wingmen, and it was more than okay. 

\- Hey, Dahlia, what do you think I could get Crystal? - Gigi asked her friend while she was swinging her legs, sitting on the counter. The dark-haired girl put her hand under her chin, thoughtful.

\- I don't know... Something related to One Direction maybe, Crystal loves them - Dahlia answered when she finally got the idea. 

\- How about a drawing? I saw that her room is already full of all their CDs - the girl said. By now Dahlia was her number one counselor. Talking to her and being together was always a joy. 

\- Oh god yes! She would love it, Gigi! - the friend was thrilled. The way Gigi knew how to make art was so fascinating to her, and she was great at it, even though she often believed otherwise. Dahlia found Gigi a good friend, and being her classmate was the best thing that could happen. 

\- So it's done, this afternoon I'm writing to tell you if I did a good job - Gigi joked and Dahlia shook her head amused. The two of them stayed chatting until Jan showed up in class. The jumping friend was followed by Nicky, visibly embarrassed, who was trying to stop her, and Widow was behind them, laughing. 

Gigi looked up and immediately met the blonde girl’s eyes, who walked out of the class again. Dahlia patted her friend next to her with her elbow.

\- I think they were talking about you - she told her winking. Gigi blushed and told her she couldn't possibly know about it. 

\- So you've been in touch all these weeks and you don't tell us anything? - Jan sat in her seat next to the two friends, referring to Gigi. 

\- See, Gee? They were talking about... Wait, what?! - Dahlia raised her eyebrows and assumed the same amazed expression as her friend sitting with them. The two of them waited for Gigi to say something. 

\- Sending each other messages doesn't mean anything, calm down - Gigi answered quietly, with a half smile on her lips. She knew that it wasn't really true, that some of those messages were little indirect statements. 

Jan and Dahlia looked at each other and before they could comment Crystal and Jaida joined the conversation. 

\- What's the conversation about? - Jaida asked her friends. 

\- About Gigi not telling us what she's up to - Dahlia said, mocking her friend slightly. 

\- You didn't know? - Crystal stepped in, the girls didn’t need to tell her exactly what they were talking about. The girl knew everything, Gigi confided practically every day and lately Nicky was the center of their conversations. 

Gigi often told her that she didn't feel she was good enough, that maybe she was deluding herself and that Nicky just liked being friends. And Crystal was there, with her objectivity to help her realize that she wasn't. 

After the curly-haired girl's question, Jan, Dahlia and Jaida pretended to be angry and then burst out laughing and let Gigi explain the situation. The following days passed exactly like that, with the girls often pointing out how Gigi and Nicky looked at each other, how they looked for each other, how Nicky tickled Gigi just to see her laugh. They were still too shy to go any further. But the situation began to change on the night of Gigi's birthday, almost a month later. 

The girls were gathered in her friend's living room, chatting and eating. Gigi didn't like parties so much, her previous birthdays had all been a nightmare, but above all she hated being the center of attention. She was nervous, hoping that everyone would have some fun, that she wouldn't pass for the loser on duty who doesn't know how to behave on her own birthday.

\- Hey, Gee! You have Just Dance - Brita was next to the TV cabinet and had the game in her hands. Crystal and Nicky were the first ones to come up and ask if they could all play it together. Gigi said yes. 

One dance pulled the other and between wrong moves and a few half slips the girls spent the evening. Nicky came up with an idea. 

\- Will you dance with me? - the blonde girl asked her, extending her hand. Gigi looked at her for a second and then grabbed it.

\- Sure - she answered her. She stopped to watch which song Nicky chose. The friend scrolled through the songs, then clicked on one and turned around to smile at her. All the friends sat around them, as if they were watching a show at the theater. 

_ I got chills they're multiplying _

_ And I'm losing control _

_ Cause the power you're supplying _

_ It's electrifying _

The song began. Nicky moved to the rhythm of music and looked Gigi in the eyes, mimicking those words she knew almost by heart. It sounded so strong and brave, but the truth was, she was shaking inside. She was full of doubts, unresolved issues with herself, but Gigi made her feel good. 

_ You better shape 'cause I need a man _

_ And my heart is set on you  _

_ You better shape up _

_ You better understand, to my heart it must be true _

Gigi was more awkward, but she did everything she could to not look like a giraffe on skates. She moved toward Nicky, just as Sandy in Grease approached Danny. Of course, the blonde girl in front of her was much prettier than that character. They were drawn to each other like magnets and it was incredible to see.

_ You're the one that I want, ooh, ooh, honey _

_ The one that I need, ooh, ooh, honey _

_ The one that I need, ooh, ooh, honey _

_ The one I need, oh yes indeed _

What I feel for you is too important to share. 

Maybe because I'm only interested in the precarious balance, the feeling that there is an abyss to climb, or maybe because if something didn't make me tremble it wouldn't even touch me. 

But the truth is, what I feel for you is too important to share. 

There's a special taste in my loneliness, a kind of aftertaste that I don't want to lose. I don't want you to think I don't want you like crazy, I'd give everything I have to be yours, but to be honest, I'm not everything I want. 

You're too big for both of us to fit into me. 

Over time I've learned to hate what I can't have. So I despise you as much as I love you, and if I had to choose someone else to love besides myself, it would be you. You're who I'd like to be if you weren't me. If I didn't know I had to live with me until I died, I'd throw myself right into your arms. 

Would you still hold me as if the world ended with my skin?

I'd tell you that I love you to the core, I'd open my arms, my legs, and let you in as if you never left. But there's a woman in me, that would be me, and she's the one I have to take care of, and as much as it pains me to admit it, you hurt her. 

That's what Nicky was thinking. Gigi was everything she wanted, but knew she couldn't make happy. Dancing with her at that moment, it meant everything, and she saw in the shimmering eyes of the brown-haired girl who felt the same way. 

It wasn't even at first that they were already having problems and Nicky thought it would be impossible, that Gigi, just like every person before her, would get tired of waiting for her and leave her behind, with her doubts and fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry if this chapter came late, I had some troubles and wasn't able to post sooner!   
> I hope you liked it and feel free to let me know what you think about it! Love u all xx


	6. February-July

A pretty strong connection had been established between Nicky and Gigi. They had begun to hold hands, to smile at each other once their eyes crossed. 

Gigi began to think she wanted to tell Nicky how she felt. She desperately needed to talk to her about how her heart ran when she was near her, how she had managed to make her fall in love with a few meaningful gestures, how all she did was feel like an idiot if she thought so. That's because what she started to feel almost hurt her. 

The feelings didn't leave her alone. She had never felt like that, ever. She didn't feel good, she didn't expect falling in love to be the complete opposite of what everyone was saying. 

_ You'll see, when you fall in love you'll feel light-headed, free, you won't think about anything.  _

**Wrong.** She felt her head so heavy and full of thoughts that she was afraid it would burst, leaving every single part of her.

_ You'll see, when you fall in love you won't be able to stop smiling, sadness will be a distant memory! _

**Wrong.** The smile died on his lips at that very moment, while he was thinking about her, while letting himself be destroyed by someone he didn't even know that well.

_ You'll see, when you fall in love, your chest will be light and your heart... well the heart will be alive, you'll feel it beating fast every time you cross your eyes with the other person. _

**Wrong.** Gigi felt her heart beat so loud that she heard it rumble in her ears, like a drum, and it gave her an absurd headache. Not to mention how Nicky's blue eyes made her die a little inside when they looked at each other.

_ You'll see, when you fall in love you'll feel the butterflies in your stomach and your legs shake. _

**Wrong.** Or almost. Butterflies? What butterflies? Why didn't she feel the butterflies? She only felt boulders in her stomach. But her legs were shaking so much, she couldn't stand up. Her feelings were eating her.

She was wondering why everyone said love was the best feeling in the world. Feeling this bad is a horror, you feel helpless and you can't find a foothold, emotions run through your whole body, through every single fiber and you have no control over it.

That wasn't the kind of love Gigi was used to feeling, it wasn't at all the love she felt for her family or her friends, no. It wasn't anything like that.

Gigi was sitting on the bed in Crystal's room, waiting for the other one to finish getting ready to go out. 

Her head had inevitably begun to travel the moment her friend asked her to tell her more about Nicky. Gigi had made a nervous giggle and Crystal had stopped to look at her confused.

\- What was that laugh? - the girl asked, she thought Nicky was good for her, why the reaction?

\- I just... I hate being in love, it hurts, and I don't know why. I feel annoyed by my feelings, by myself, by the fact that I only had to look her in the eye once, and dance with her for ten minutes to fall in love. I feel suffocated by this feeling and by Nicky who, poor thing, doesn't even know that an idiot like me is after her. I can't even avoid her, you know? Because there's something in the minutes we spend together that makes me forget that the world exists - Gigi threw everything out, fast, as if her words were hot. 

\- Wait, tell me more - Crystal sat next to her, holding her hand. Shivers ran down Gigi's back.

\- You know the other day when you practically lost us on the way out of school? Well, we were so caught up in our own talk, we didn't even notice. We walked hand in hand, in a universe of our own. I smiled the whole time, then she left and it was like being in the dark... - the girl tried to explain to the other one what she felt. It was damn hard.

\- I think you're getting that effect from just keeping your feelings inside. Why don't you talk to Nicky tonight? - Crystal, objective as always, had advised her. Gigi thought about it for a second and then nodded. She was waiting for a sign, and maybe those words were. 

When they met their friends, Nicky was quick to greet Gigi first, with her contagious smile. The girl was always so full of energy that it seemed like nothing could ever destroy her. But inside her, Nicky could feel her hands shaking and insecurity getting the better of her. Nicky could feel the fear of what might have been, the fear that always stopped her just when she was about to tell Gigi those exact words. 

When you like someone, don't be afraid. Don't be a coward. Don't be a slacker. Don't hide behind half words, half actions left in the middle. When you like someone, let yourself go with everything you have to give. Be romantic, be brazen, be tireless, be a dreamer and make them dream. Be utopian - why not? Make plans together, imagine together. Do like in books, do like in films: don't believe the lie of the impossible, the lie of the improbable. Don't believe the lie that love is a lie. This is the deception that ignorant people have invented to remain ignorant. Go with the one you love until the end of the world, every day. To the last drop is not a way of life: it is the only way to live. The rest is shit.

If you love, say so. If you love, prove it. <<Yes: I love>> \- where's the difficulty? <<Yes: I want you.>> \- where's the difficulty? <<Yes: I need you>> \- where's the difficulty? It's so easy to be happy in love. So simple. Just love and don't be afraid to love. Love only hurts when you don't love - where is the difficulty in understanding that?

Fortunately Gigi had understood it and as soon as she had the chance she slipped her hand on Nicky's shoulder, asking if she could stop for a moment. 

The friends kept walking until they were left alone. 

\- Are you all right? - Nicky asked, seeing the other one a bit indecisive. It was such a struggle against her shyness that it was visible from the outside.

\- Yeah, it's just... I have something important to tell you, Nicky - Gigi had started talking. There was no backing out anymore. Her clear eyes were focused on her shoes, while she could hear Nicky's on her, waiting for answers. 

\- Hey, look at me... Don't worry, you can tell me anything - the blond-haired friend had brought a finger under her chin to lift her face. Gigi lost some beats. Nicky always knew what to do with her. 

\- Please don't hate me after this, I just need to get her off my back because I can feel it eating away at me from the inside. And please, please don't feel obligated to say what you don't mean. I know it's only been a few months since we've known each other and even less since we've started talking more, but I'm sure now I know how I feel. I like you. And I think telling you is the right choice. Nicky, I don't want to stand here and tell you how much I know about you or explain to you specifically every emotion you provoke in me. I like you, that's all - Gigi's cheeks turned red. 

Nicky was looking at her with a certain sparkle in her eyes. She didn't really know what to say, but she knew she felt the same way or something. She wanted to tell her that she liked Gigi too, that she wanted to see where these new feelings would take her, but instead the words that came out of her lips were others. 

\- Thank you for trusting me and telling me, it means a lot... Maybe let's get to know each other better and see what happens between us, shall we? - she smiled at her, trying to make her understand that there was going to be a future for them, she just needed more time.

Gigi didn't really understand what she meant, but she'd settle for it. 

\- Sure, all right - the girl nodded and Nicky took her hand. She looked her in the eye and then walked back, holding Gigi's hand, who didn't understand how the blond-haired girl could make her shake like that. Yes, she was sure. She would wait for Nicky as long as she wanted to. She was her person. 

From that night on, everything changed. Nicky and Gigi spent more time together, but only in class or on dates with their friends. They never went out alone. They never gave each other a chance to really get to know each other, to spend even just one evening without any noise and continuous distractions that led them to separate. 

Gigi had asked Nicky out several times, trying with all her heart to overcome her shyness and sense of being unsuitable, but the other had always found excuses until Gigi stopped asking her to see her. These moments were alternated with others of extreme sweetness that confused Gigi, but at the same time made her fall back into her arms without batting an eyelid. Gigi was kind of addicted to Nicky. For example, sometimes Nicky would go and sit on her legs and hug her without saying anything, other times Nicky would leave a kiss on her cheek, smiling at Gigi's reaction. 

Crystal, Dahlia and Jan were not very happy about that situation. It was nice to see their friends happy, but something in that subspecies of relationship wasn't right and didn't do any good. Gigi was running after Nicky who just seemed to play, it was as if she liked having someone to run to occasionally without too much effort and responsibility. 

February came to an end and so did March and April. Three months passed and Gigi was still waiting. And still Nicky was playing the game that she seemed to love to play. 

_ i just don't understand her. _

_ this morning she seemed angry with me, she ignored me the whole time. _

_ and when we went out tonight, did you see what she did? - Gigi _

_ Gigi, this is not normal - Jan _

_ I agree with Jan _

_ You should talk to her. You've already given her three months to "get to know you better" - Dahlia. _

_ I think it's best if you give her one last chance... _

_ you can't let her behave like this, you're just suffering - Crystal _

Obviously Gigi never really had the courage to do what her friends had advised her to do. The moments with Nicky seemed too good to stop giving her a chance. And again, June passed, always accompanied by insignificant episodes and the end of school. 

On the night of Dahlia's birthday, Nicky decided to do something. For all those months she had tried several times to tell Gigi how she felt, she wasn't a bitch, she was just scared. Scared of being disappointed, of being used and thrown away, like she was the last time. That boy, so handsome and popular, had fallen in love with her and it seemed surreal to her. Their relationship was going well, until she found out that he was using her to be more popular, to be better known in their little country. From then on, Nicky was left alone by choice until Gigi. 

Gigi who made her feel so good, Gigi who really loved her, Gigi who did everything to make her happy, Gigi who always tried to show her how much she cared. And in return, she was giving her nothing but sorrows and constant mood swings. 

Nicky knew she was being a bitch. Nicky knew it wasn't right to keep her waiting like that, stop her from living any more stories. Nicky wanted to tell her how she felt, but she just couldn't. But that night on July 28th, she said she wouldn't come home if she didn't tell Gigi how she felt. The only way was self-imposed. 

She was nervous, hadn't seen Gigi in a while and had only talked to her by text. When she arrived, Nicky felt like she had a vision and her heart started racing in her chest. She followed her with her eyes, smiling to see her dive into Dahlia's arms and then Crystal and all their friends. Then it was her turn. 

\- Hey - Gigi smiled shyly at her and Nicky's legs trembled. 

\- Hi. You okay? - the girl answered, leaning towards her, inviting her to hug her. The other answered her question quickly and almost distracted. Nicky began to fear that she no longer cared for her. 

They sat around the long table at the pizzeria. The shouting and laughter of the whole group resonated in the air and it was nice to see all that youth. 

To Nicky's surprise, Gigi sat next to her. As if nothing had happened then, the blonde girl took the other one's hand under the table, away from prying eyes. 

They exchanged a sincere look, full of that emotion that just wouldn't leave them. 

Gigi thought that destiny wanted them together at any cost, there was no explanation in her coming back and making her feel the butterflies in her stomach every time. 

\- Gigi, will you come with me for a moment? - After a while, Nicky shook her hand to get her attention. 

\- Sure - she answered. How could he say no to her? Gigi let herself be dragged into the garden of the restaurant, to the driveway, away from everyone. 

\- I have to tell you something - the girl in front of Gigi said, with an insecurity that wasn't like her. 

\- You can tell me everything - she smiled at her, moving a lock of her dark hair behind her ear. A moment of silence followed and Gigi noticed that their hands were still together. She felt Nicky's hand shake slightly, so she caressed her cheek, trying to reassure her.

\- Gigi...I like you too - Nicky became confident, trying to be the brave person she always was. Gigi looked at her for a moment. In her tone she could hear a huge, gigantic "but." Nicky wasn't sure... Gigi thought she just wanted to please her. 

Before she had a chance to ask Nicky the question that was pressing on her, the two of them heard the voices of Widow and Brita getting close. 

\- Sorry to interrupt your flirting, but the food's here! - Brita said, wrapping one arm around Nicky's shoulders. The latter surrendered her grip and let herself be carried to their table, while Gigi and Widow followed them. 

Gigi thought that maybe later she would talk to her, solving those little doubts that Nicky had left her. What she didn't know, however, was that those doubts would grow out of all proportion, lasting for the following months, in which everything remained exactly as it was: Nicky played those romantic games when she wanted to and Gigi was there every time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter came so late and I’m also sorry to tell you this story is going to be on a break for a while... I’ll continue when ready to do so. Love u all so much xx


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